Screw Lymphoma!

Starting to feel a little sad today. I'm just dreading starting all over again with treatment. I guess the biggest thing I struggle with is not being able to get out and do things! I'm just such an active person and it's been really hard to not be able to go outside for a walk when I want, work out or go do all the things that I would be doing if I weren't going through treatment. So I'm trying to make this last week count and have been. It's just really tough to not look at the negative end of all this. That's another thing I have realized over the last week, I have to look at the negative. I know it's very important for me to be positive but I can't ignore my feelings either because then I'm just going to have to deal with it all later. I guess I feel a little guilty when I have those moments when I want to cry or get the feeling that this is all not fare. I feel like I have so much to be thankful for. I'm in stage 1 and I feel like there are so many people who aren't as blessed to have a something that can be curable. We were watching a little documentary on 'Locks of Love' and they were interviewing these children who were receiving there wigs and the whole process that goes with it. I felt so bad for those little kids. They were still so happy too. That's one thing I can't understand. Why do little children have to suffer like that? There was this one little girl who was so insecure about being bald and wouldn't go anywhere without something covering her head. I felt so bad for her. Growing up is so hard and those kids have to deal with not only cancer but losing their hair. So after watching that I felt like to be complaining about my situation when there are sweet innocent children who have it way worse than I, seems wrong. My mom keeps telling me that I need to cry and let my emotions out because that's what they're there for. I don't know. I just can't get a hold on how I should feel right now or if my being so positive this far is me being in denial of what is actually going on?? Gary and I have an appointment to see a therapist on Friday to talk about what were going through and to help us understand how to handle it together. I think us having our first baby and then having to deal with this is too much for us to take on alone. To be honest, we have been taking our frustrations out on each other and that is the worst thing we could be doing. Why is it that people take things out on the people they love the most?? It's not right but we all do it. I think I'm going to get into counseling for just myself too. I'm struggling with feeling like I don't recognize myself. Obviously, physically I don't. To make it worse, I was at my follow up appointment yesterday and one of the nurses that I had been talking to and who always said hi to me every time I went in didn't recognize me this time. I had my scarf on and wasn't wearing any makeup but I said hi to her and she said hi back but it was obvious she had no clue who I was. I could tell she was trying to place me but it kind of hurt. It hurt because it was just one of those moments where I couldn't deny that this has all taken a toll on me physically. But like I said in my last post I'm just so much more outgoing than I was before. So that's a plus. But along with parts of me that are more secure with myself there are still those parts that are more insecure. I guess I've been used to being such a healthy, strong person it's hard knowing and dealing with the fact that my body is sick. Then add on knowing all the long term affects the chemo will have on my body is difficult too. I guess I just need help right now learning how to deal with all these thoughts and feelings. Hopefully the therapist will have some good advice for Gary and I.