Saturday, July 24, 2010

Where have I been?

Where have I been?? I've been lost to be honest. Everyday is harder than it should be. My counselor says I'm going through, what she calls "Recovery Depression." Everyone goes through it after going through some kind of trauma in their life. Now that the dust is starting to settle from the last 4 or 5 months of crazy, I'm starting to feel all these feelings I didn't know that I had. I've spent all this time trying so hard to be positive and then one morning I woke up and just couldn't do it anymore. Now the anxiety is setting in. The worry of life. The grieving for lost things. I've had days where I simply could not do anything but take care of my daughter. Making myself a plate of food didn't even seem important enough to get the energy together to actually do it. I've spent days just sitting there trying so hard to do a load of laundry. I would literally sit on my bed and try to talk myself into getting up but I just couldn't do it. I would drink coffee to the point where I got the jitters to try and round up some energy or motivation...but nothing. My life seems hopeless at times. Now I know that's a ridiculous feeling and it makes no sense but I do feel it at times. When I was first diagnosed with cancer I asked myself, "What did I do to deserve this?" I truly felt as if I had made so many mistakes in my life that God gave me cancer. That's another ridiculous feeling but I felt it and I am starting to feel it again. Now I am starting to feel it about other hardships in our life. As if I am this one big ball and chain dragging my family down. If only I had a job, we wouldn't have money problems. If only I had the energy, our house wouldn't be a wreck or the laundry would be done. If only I hadn't been sick for the last 5 months I could have been a better mother to Presley. I'm the reason our lives have been so difficult. I'm almost it tears writing this now because all my feelings lately are so completely overwhelming. I just want to be happy and laugh. I've always been able to make myself smile through the pain but not now. So all of this week has been these feelings and much more, which was why I immediately made an appointment with my counselor. We talked it all over and she said this is completely normal. The sad thing, she said, is there is nothing anyone can do to help me. I just have to go through this and give myself the time I need to grieve and heal. To be honest, I was hoping she said there was some kind of happy pill she could give but I guess not! She said I need to check in with myself daily to see how I am really feeling and if I need to cry then go ahead and cry. I haven't been allowing myself to cry or even feel those feelings and obviously, it caught up with me! So for now I am just trying to take my life day by day. I'm trying not to let these worries, worry me.

Presley keeps me going though. She is growing daily. She is already sitting up all by herself, rolling over and putting everything in her mouth! She does the sweetest thing when I'm putting her to sleep. Right before she is about to fall asleep, she takes her little hand and touches my face. It's like she is studying my face with her hands. I love it. If it wasn't for God's perfect timing and placing her in my life when he did, I don't know how I would be making it through!

I am now about a month out from my last chemo. I'm starting to get my strength back and the nausea is almost completely gone! My port has been removed so I no longer have an ugly bump sicking out of my chest. Up next...radiation. My first day of radiation will be August 5th. I went in for my planning appointment on Friday. They had to make a mold for me to lay in and put a few tattoo dots so they make sure to position me in the same way every time. I'll probably have 20 treatments, which will take about a month. My sister is coming to stay with me for that month because I'll need someone to sit with Presley every morning. I'm really looking forward to her being here. I really could use the company and help during the day.

Friday, July 2, 2010

My Life, My Best

Feeling a little down right now
Can't really describe why
When I think about my life the past few months
Makes me want to cry

I will never laugh again
With a carefree sort of tone
Something inside me has changed
With all this pain that I have known

I don't know what to expect
When I'm finally together again
Will I be able to find my way in life
Or will this broken heart ever mend

My husband believes I'm still the same
My daughter never knew
I somehow don't know how to be her anymore
Because of this entirely different view

I am happy for my suffering
I am thankful for the pain
But give me something more to hold onto
My heart can't take the strain

Like a jigsaw puzzle
I am working through this mess
Trying to fit and a corner into the middle
And trying to give my life, my best