Now this is all so real. I had to finally shave my head. I actually had a lot of hair left but it was just falling out everywhere. I think that part was more traumatic than actually shaving it. It was like I was losing a piece of myself every time I looked down and saw it all over my clothes. So it’s a done deal. I have cancer and I’m bald. Gary shaved it for me…which wasn’t too bad of an experience. I tell you one thing, he takes a lot more time to shave his own head than he took to shave mine! He left some longer pieces at certain places but I didn’t say anything to him. I’m sure it was a pretty tough thing for him to do. It was very hard for me too. It made me feel like a different person. When I think of myself before I had cancer I feel like I’m a lifetime away from who I used to be. Not just my physical appearance but everything about me has changed. I just don't recognize myself, in the mirror or in my mind. It’s not all bad either. I feel like somewhere over the years I had lost myself. I had lost a big part of my sense of humor, my youth and my faith in God. Having cancer has helped me find myself again. I guess I have gone through a ton of trials in my life but nothing close to as tough as this. Nothing has shook my world enough to make me look at myself and figure out who I really want to be or has made me look at myself and say “Who did I use to be??” So in a big way this cancer is a blessing. I no longer question myself or question everything I say or do. It has given me back the self-esteem I had lost. The thing is I have no idea what caused me to lose all those things either and right now I am in the process of trying to figure that out. I mean I've always been myself around the people I am close to I guess but my problem was being COMPLETELY guarded and insecure around people I didn't know really well. Part of that is normal I guess but I became way too guarded. So yes, it is horrible that I am going to probably be bald for the next year but I am looking at all the things that I have gained already and it is totally worth it! I am going to LIVE!!! I’m going to watch my daughter grow into a beautiful young lady. I am going to be a better wife to my husband. I am going to be a better sister and friend. Most importantly I am going to strive to be a better Christian! I am going to live every day as if it were my last and tell the people in my life how I feel and not hold things in anymore! Life is too short to be unhappy, prideful or negative!

I bought a bunch of fabric on Friday to make scarves because I knew I was going to shave it that night. So I dropped my husband off at work after having lunch and happened to stumble upon this tiny little fabric store. The owner was this sweet older lady. I told her my situation and bless her heart, she was so helpful and gave me a ton of fabric for very cheap. She was definitely a God send. She helped me figure out how much I would need for each scarf and gave me some tips also. I almost forgot to mention that Gary bought me a beautiful antique sewing machine for Mother’s Day! So that’s what I will used to make my scarves and help with my headband and bow making. It is a 1951 Singer and it still works! Those old machines are like classic cars….they run forever! They are built so great that everything on the machine is pretty much fixable. I love it. I guess most people would want a brand new machine but I love old things. I would take an antique over something brand new any day of the week. They just have so much character and my husband knows that about me so that’s why he knew it was the best gift!

I had a beautiful first Mother's Day. We got up and had a wonderful breakfast and took a drive and looked at a bunch a beautiful homes that we could never afford to buy! It was fun! Then Gary, Presley, our dog Mason and I all went for a walk. We walked to the shopping center near our house and got a couple lattes. Gary got a cigar from the shop next to Starbucks and while he was smoking that I went and walked around with Presley. I went into the Christian book store and bought a book that talks about all the amazing women in the Bible and their struggles. I think it will be good for me to read. I know I'm not the only women going through a hard time so it will be encouraging to read about all their trials and how their faith got them through. I am living off faith right now!!

Presley is the most amazing baby. She slept the entire time we were out today. As long as I kept that stroller moving she was happy. I and so blessed with the perfect baby. She pretty much entertains herself already. The only time she cries is if she is hungry or needs something. She gave me another small chuckle today but not a full laugh. I am still working with her! It's so sweet, when I am feeding her she just started to play with the bottle and has been putting her hand over her face when she's sleeping. It is so cute! Some times I swear she is trying to hold that bottle by herself! I do feel bad though because for some reason she doesn't like when Gary holds her. I don't think it's anything Gary is doing other than the fact that she knows when I am not holding her. I know it hurts his feelings a bit but I keep trying to tell him it's totally normal. Another thing is that this is Gary's first time really being around a baby and he is just not as broken in when the babes. It's like babies know when someone inexperienced is holding them. I think over the next month or so she'll come around and maybe stop being so fussy with him. She is just going to fall in love with him when she's old enough to know he's her daddy.

Before I go I wanted to share a poem my older sister Alexis wrote for me after I told her I had shaved all my hair off. It's so beautiful and is something I will always cherish.

I'm Blessed to Know You

I know You,
young and full of life
bright smile and catching laughter
rare as a hand held star
heart like the moon
on a cloudless night

You are still the same
though hands hold now, quite different things
rare to most human kind
we don't walk by the same beaten drum,
you set the beat for us all now

You will always be full
full of the things that summer brings
cool breeze under a shady tree
fire flys in mid-western states
the sweet air of a Squaw dusk
a walk through the meadow
picking flowered bouquets

I know right now you say
"I feel like a different person"
and it may be true
Just know that while everyone
is lost in the worthless things
you are seeing with eyes opened by God
What most of us will never know
and after all is said and done
you will be the wiser and this will all be over.