11/11/11

"The goal is to live a full, productive life even with all that ambiguity. No matter what happens, whether the cancer never flares up again or whether you die, the important thing is that the days that you have had you will have lived." Gilda Radner

I don't even know how to start this post. I'm feeling alone for the most part and unable to even explain my own thoughts. I have all these feelings about what I've been through in the last couple years but most of the time, I won't even let myself go there. Lately, I am consumed with these thoughts. I feel like everything I see and hear reminds me of cancer and chemotherapy. The worst part about it is that I feel like there is no one I can talk to that can relate. I will have times that I feel overwhelmed by bad memories and experiences but I can't find anyone to call. Not that I don't have awesome people in my life that I am sure would listen to me but I feel so different. My mind and point of view is just so different now. I feel like I can't relate to others.. or maybe no one can relate to me. I just want to explain the feelings I have and I want to hear someone say they feel that way too. Is there anyone who feels like I do? The funny thing is I don't think I can even put how I feel into words! Nothing has to trigger these memories, they are always there. I remember my hair falling out... I remember pulling clumps out as I was driving and rolling the window down to letting the hair fly out of my fingers. I remember the feeling of the port that was placed in my chest. I remember the smell that would fill my lungs and flow through my breath after they flushed my port with saline. I remember the pain in my back from the shot that forced my body to rapidly produce more white blood cells. I remember the fear that someone else would raise my daughter. I remember the fear of dying. I wonder if I will ever forget these things or get to the point where they don't bring a knot to my throat? I think the most sobering thought of all is that I could go through this all again. It could come back. I don't even like to admit that but it's a realistic fear. Then to think that there is absolutely nothing I can do. Until cancer, I never grasped the thought of death and how we truly how no control over our lives. We may think we do, but it's so minimal. I'm trying to adapt to a life where there is too much reality. The reality of life is, I'm probably always going to suffer. Whether I want to or not, I have to live through it. I don't want to sound negative because it is a positive thing to know life is tough and learn how to deal with whatever is handed to you. Life was never guaranteed to be easy. All I know is once you have an experience where you are faced with death, you can never be the same. No matter how much it hurt, I will always grateful for the person that cancer has made me and that's what I have to remember I guess.